Ah, well, I couldn’t escape it. I had myself convinced for the first two weeks after I learned of the pregnancy that this time the first trimester would be full of energy and enthusiasm~and definitely not with nausea. You’d think that after having been through this three times before I would have known better. Alas, I am almost ten weeks, and the last five weeks have been anything but energetic and enthusiastic. However, there are only three more weeks until I can begin the second trimester, and even if I’m not quite feeling better yet, I’ll enjoy the comfort of knowing that making it through the first trimester is surely a milestone worth celebrating.
What has been striking me in the midst of exhaustion, nausea, and some blues, is how much stock I take in various aspects of life that really are not all that important, or at least not as important as I make them out to be. The things that have been so utterly discouraging to me, that I so often place my self worth in, are all temporal. I’m getting fat. My house is a mess. I actually walk out of the house with a kid still in pajamas and take them out in public. Little’s hair was a mess when she went to her ballet class-Oh, how embarrassing! All of the projects that I had previously been working on have come to a halt…and maybe they will never get done. You get the drift. It’s been an eye-opener to see how all of these and so much more cloud my vision of who I am and where my worth lies. Whatever happened to who I am in Christ? What happened to the joy of knowing that all of these so called sufferings of mine are a drop in the bucket in light of the fact that another human being with an immortal soul is growing within me? Why have the words of Jesus suddenly become so loathsome to me that whoever loses his life will save it? I’m realizing (and battling within) in this pregnancy, and even a few weeks before, with the reality of the call to follow Jesus in laying down His life. So much of me is saying, “I just don’t want to do it anymore.” But, then, there is the tiniest thread of faith, which is indeed a great gift, telling me to hold on, even just barely. Or maybe I should say, the tiny thread of faith is helping me to let go, ever so gradually. But, I cannot do it on my own, and so now I absolutely must ask the intervention of the Blessed Mother: Dear Mother, please help me to let go. Help me to let go of all the petty little selfish things that I want so that I can be filled with your Son and His love can permeate my whole being and so that I can lay down my life for Him, my husband, and my Littles.
(I could always use the intercession of anyone else who is willing…:))